January 28, 2000
I’m one week post-op from having my 4th laparoscopy for endometriosis. I’ve been having a lot of pain and wanted to have the surgery before we did another IVF. I talked with the RE about starting IVF with the upcoming cycle and he told me that he wants to change my protocol. Last time I started Lupron on the first day of my period (AF). This time he wants me to do birth control pills (BCP’s) starting with the next period and then start Lupron on day 21 followed by Gonal-F 10 day later. I was really upset. Why would he change my protocol when the first one worked? I asked him about it and he said that they are having better success with this new protocol. He was having a really bad day and didn’t really want to discuss it.
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February 4, 2000
I really wasn’t comfortable with the new protocol so I scheduled an appointment with my RE today. He said that the reason they put women on BCP’s before Lupron is it helps them respond better to Lupron. I told him that I responded well to Lupron and it didn’t make any sense to put me on BCP’s. After reviewing my chart he agreed that I did respond well to Lupron and going on BCP’s would be a mistake! So, as soon as AF comes I can start Lupron – YIPPEE!
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February 5, 2000
(cycle day 1)
What a surprise! I wasn’t supposed to get AF for another 5 days and it came today. I called the RE about starting Lupron today. He wants to see me in his office tomorrow morning for an ultrasound. Provided I don’t have any cysts and everything looks okay I’ll start Lupron tomorrow. Here we go again!
I had my first triplet dream this afternoon when I was taking my nap. I dreamed that I was in the hospital getting ready to deliver my triplets. Me and the anesthesiologist walked to the OR. Once there I sat down in the chair and we discussed the procedure. I told him that the last time I had general anesthesia they had trouble intubating me. He said it was no problem and spouted a medical term. Then I told him that I was afraid of feeling the c-section like I did last time. I explained how I started feeling the incision and how my OB was yelling at the anesthesiologist to give me more meds and the anesthesiologist didn’t want to. The new anesthesiologist aid it wouldn’t be a problem and guaranteed I wouldn’t feel a thing. When I woke up my babies were in NICU and doing great! So maybe triplets are in my future! 🙂
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February 6, 2000
(Cycle day 2)
I had my appointment this morning and everything looked great on the ultrasound. I asked the RE what he thought my chances were and he said excellent. I know that’s still no guarantee but it makes you feel good hearing it. So, I start Lupron today. I’ll take .1cc twice a day. I’m supposed to have an appointment on February 14th (Valentine’s Day). If my E2 levels are down then I’ll be able to start my stim drugs. YIPPEE! We’re on our way!
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February 10, 2000
(Cycle day 6)
I’m definitely feeling the side effects of Lupron! I don’t remember the klutzy side effect of Lupron but John says he remembers it all to well. Last night I dropped my Lupron shattering it on the tile floor. Tonight it was my plate full of dinner. ARGH! Thank goodness the insurance paid for the Lupron or I would have been REALLY mad! My period has also been really messed up. I had more than spotting but less than a full blown period for the first three days and then it stopped. Today it’s back full force and major cramps. Ah the joys of Lupron!
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February 12, 2000
(Cycle day 8)
I’m sick of this Lupron! I can’t wait until Monday and I pray that they decrease the Lupron and start me on my Gonal-F. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m doing the dumbest things imaginable and I’m extremely depressed. If I let my emotions take over, I’d cancel the cycle because at this point I’m sure this cycle isn’t going to work. I’m trying hard to stay positive and tell myself it’s just the Lupron making me crazy but it’s hard.
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February 14, 2000
(Cycle day 10)
Happy Valentine’s Day to me! I met with the RE today. My lining is very thinned out and my ovaries looked great. Even better, my E2 level was below 20! YIPPEE! I start my Gonal-F tomorrow – 2 amps in the morning (150iu) and 1 amp at night (75iu) and I get to decrease my Lupron to .1 once a day! I go back on Friday to see how my little eggs are doing!
Dad had a dream last night that I had girls. He couldn’t see them he only heard me say “I’ve got to go check on the girls”. Dad and I have both had premonition dreams before so here’s hoping! 🙂
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February 15, 2000
(Cycle day 11 – stim day 1)
I’m really having trouble with this cycle. I was so excited when I first started but I just can’t get into it. In fact, I’m having trouble remembering to take my shots. Even worse, tonight I took a shot of Lupron when I wasn’t suppose to. I’m supposed to only take one shot a day and today I did it twice. I pray that doesn’t mess me up too much. I just can’t put my finger on what’s got me so down. Is it the Lupron? Is it because I already have children and this cycle won’t make me a mommy or not make me a mommy? Or, is it because I fear this cycle isn’t going to work? I’m trying my best to stay positive but there are so many of my friends who have had terrible cycles after a successful cycle. I’m just terrified that that will be me too. I’m not hearing about too many women who have had back to back success. I just want this soooo bad!
I have a confession. The first time I did IVF the doctor put me on 4 vials on Fertinex and I overstimulated. Then he put me on 2 vials which I thought was too few so I secretly took 3 vials a day. Well you know the end result – twins. Well, this time I’ve done a lot of research about taking 1 baby aspirin a day during your cycle. Research shows that taking 1 baby aspirin a day increases the blood flow to the uterus producing better quality eggs and a thicker uterine lining. It’s becoming standard practice for lots of clinics. Originally clinics would only prescribe baby aspirin if the woman had antibodies that would cause her body to attack a fetus. Now clinics are prescribing it to all of their IVF women. I asked my RE about his thoughts on the subject and he said he only does it on women who need help with egg production and uterine lining. My confession is I’ve been taking 1 baby aspirin anyway. I just feel that the research has shown a strong argument for all women to take aspirin and I seriously think it will increase my chances of getting pregnant again. I hope I haven’t made a mistake by doing this. I just have a gut feeling that it will help. Time will tell! Wish me luck!
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February 18, 2000
(Cycle day 14 – stim day 4)
My appointment with the RE went great today. I had 4 follicles on the right measuring less than 10 and 10 follicles on the left measuring less than 10. My lining was an 8 and my E2 was 90. The doctor said that’s great because they never want to see an E2 over 500 this early in the game. Compared to this time in the last cycle, I had 20 follicles measuring less than 9 and no measurable lining. I’m not sure which is better. I can’t believe my lining is so thick this time especially since I’ve been bleeding for 14 days.
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February 20, 2000
(Cycle day 16 – stim day 6)
I had another great appointment today. I just love the fact that Dr. Riggall is willing to come in on Sundays! I had 8 follicles on the right measuring less than 10 and 5 follicles on the left (4 measuring less than 10 and 1 measuring 11). My lining was 12 and my E2 was 220. Everything is looking real good. He likes the fact that my follicles are developing slowly. This should mean a great “crop” of eggs! I asked him if the lining was too thick since it’s a lot thicker than last time and he said there is no such thing as too thick! YIPPEE! I’m supposed to stay on 3 vials of Gonal-F a day (even though I’m actually taking 4) and see him back in 2 days. I can’t believe how much quicker this cycle is going compared to my first cycle.
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February 22, 2000
(Cycle day 18 – stim day 8)
What a great appointment! I have a lining of 15 which is unbelievable! I’ve never had a lining that thick. I wish I had more follicles but the ones I have look great. I have 8 on the right (13, 12.5, 10.5 and 5<10) and 11 on the left (14, 11, 10 and 8<5). Dr. Riggall wants me to continue on 3 vials of Gonal-F although I’ve been taking 4 secretly. My E2 is looking good at 553. We also got John’s SA back (20 million, 50% motility and 10% normal form). I talked to Dr. Riggall about the cervical mucus I’ve been having because I’d swear that I am ovulating. He said it was a good sign that my body is preparing itself for implantation. He said the body is supposed to go through the motions of ovulating without actually ovulating! With the lining being this thick and my CM I’m getting really excited that this cycle is going to work! Keep your fingers crossed!
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February 24, 2000
(Cycle day 20 – stim day 10)
The closer I get to retrieval the more excited I get. Based on today’s appointment the retrieval should be Sunday or Monday. WOW! My lining went down a little but still looks good at 13. I still have 8 follicles on the right (16, 13.5, 10.5 and 5<10) and 14 on the left (16.5, 16.5, 16, 15, 12.5, 12, 12 and 7<10). My E2 was 1574. I’m so excited. Things are looking a lot better than with my first cycle. I sure hope this is a sign that this one will be equally as successful! I go back to the doctor tomorrow to find out when we’re doing the retrieval! YIPPEE!
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February 25, 2000
(Cycle day 21 – stim day 11)
We’re on a roll now! Retrieval is set for 9:00am Sunday morning!!!! HCG shot at 8:00pm!! My lining was a whopping 19 today! Yowza! My E2 looked good too at 2238. I had 9 follicles on the right (19.5, 19, 16, 13, 12 and 4<10) and 11 on the left (21.5, 16.5, 16, 16, 14.5, 14, 11 and 4<10). Dr. Riggall is certain that we have 10 eggs. I sure hope he’s right. Although I’m extremely excited I’m also a little sad. Up until now I’ve felt like I was in control (at least a little). Once I have the retrieval it’s up to the doctors and then the dreaded waiting room. I almost feel like I’m in a dream world like it’s not really happening. I’m going to be so devastated if it doesn’t work!
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February 26, 2000
(Cycle day 22)
I had my last appointment with the doctor before retrieval. I couldn’t believe the news. My 20 follicles have turned into 31!!!! I have 15 on the right (20.5, 20.5, 17.5, 15, 14.5, 14, 14, 10.5 and 7<10) and 16 on the left (21.5, 19, 18, 18, 15, 14, 13.5, 13, 10.5 and 7<10). My lining is looking great at 16mm and my E2 was ?. So, with all of this great news you would think I was on cloud 9 on the eve of my retrieval – wrong! I talked to Dr. Riggall about whether we would do a 3 day or 5 day transfer and he said if we get the eggs he thinks we will then we will do a 5 day transfer. I asked if he would consider transferring 3 and he said no – too high of a risk of triplets. I’m devastated. I know that’s selfish but I am. I really, really have my heart set on twins. With blast transfers there is a 50% chance that I will get pregnant and if I do get pregnant then there is only a 40% chance of twins – that stinks. I’ve been doing some research and if I can convince him to do 3 blasts then I will have the same 50% chance of getting pregnant but if I did get pregnant then I would have a 79% chance of multiples (50% twins 29% triplets). I’m liking those odds a LOT better. The trouble is I just don’t think I can convince him to transfer 3 blasts. Maybe I can convince him to transfer 3 3 day embryos. Regardless, the retrieval is set for 9:00am tomorrow. I’m dropping the boys off at a friend’s house at 7:30am (on a Sunday which is the the true test of a friendship!). Keep your fingers crossed! This time 2 weeks from now I will find out if I’m pregnant!
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February 27, 2000
(Cycle day 23)
What an incredible retrieval I had. It wasn’t just the number of eggs retrieved it was the whole experience. WOW! We got to the clinic at 8:00 and were immediately taken to the back. DH went to “do his thing” while I changed into the oh so fashionable hospital gown. I was the only one slated for retrieval so it was nice having the whole waiting area to myself. They put me on a stretcher and covered me up. They even had a heating pad on my back so I wouldn’t get cold. The nurses were incredibly and the anesthesiologist was the best EVER! They were all very personable and made me more relaxed than I am at home. The anesthesiologist started my IVF (didn’t feel a thing!) and gave me a shot of antibiotics. Dr. Riggall came by to wish me luck and shortly after they wheeled me to the procedure room. Once there I was asked to moved to the OR table and they put my legs in the stirrups. The only thing I didn’t like was they bound my arms to my chest since I was going to be asleep during the procedure. The next thing I remember I was waking up in the recovery area and being asked to drink fluids and eat some crackers. DH was able to watch the procedure on a t.v. monitor and we even got to video tape it! WOW! You could only see what the doctor saw on the ultrasound but it was still cool watching the eggs being drawn up into the needle. I was floored to learn that Dr. Riggall retrieved 28 eggs. Unbelievable. Yesterday he was hoping for 17. You can imagine my surprise when I heard 28!
It took me about 2 hrs to fully wake up (or at least enough to go potty). As soon as I went potty they let me leave. I don’t even remember the drive home. Once home I took my pain medicine every 4 hrs (Vicodin) and slept the rest of the day. The things a woman will do for a day of rest! 🙂
Susan watched the boys for us. What an incredible friend. I dropped them off at 7:30 in the morning. I was truly testing the bounds of friendship! 🙂
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February 28, 2000
(Cycle day 24)
Boy am I uncomfortable today! I don’t remember being this crampy after my last retrieval but then again I didn’t get 28 eggs last time. Dr. Riggall called real early this morning and said that 15 of the eggs fertilized and were at the 1 cell stage. I thought they should be at the 2 cell stage by now but he said he got the results really early and that they would be at 2 cells by the end of the day and 4 cells tomorrow. I sure hope they all make it, I would love to be able to have some to freeze – just in case.
I’m still having trouble deciding how many to transfer and on which day to transfer. I’m hoping that DH and I can meet with Dr. Riggall tomorrow to finalize our plans. Everything I’ve read now indicates that if you have less than 3 embryos on day 3 that are 8 cell you are better off transferring on day 3 rather than 5. They believe lesser celled embryos have a better survival rate in the uterus rather than in the lab. If, however you have more than 3 embryos that are 8 cells on day 3 then you are better off transferring on day 5. What to do, what to do?
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February 29, 2000
(Cycle day 25)
I can’t believe it – I still have 13 embryos hanging on. 7 of them are perfect 4 cell embryos (Grade I), 6 of them are fragmented 4 cell embryos (Grade II) and 1 of them is a 3 cell with vacuoles (Grade III). I spoke with Dr. Riggall at length about transfering 3 embryos on day 3 versus 2 blastocysts on day 5 and he was pretty unrelenting. He is so sure that I will get pregnant with triplets he refuses to implant 3 whether it’s on day 3 or day 5. The only way he said he would consent to transferring on day 3 was if I only had a couple that were 8 cells on day three. Research shows if you don’t have many 8 cells embryos on day 3 that the best environment for them is in the womb. If you have 3 or more 8 cell embryos on day 3 then your best chance of success is on day 5. I was really upset that he wouldn’t consider transferring 3 but maybe in the end it will be best. I really can’t imagine caring for triplets. I know we would find a way but it would be hard. The other good thing about blast transfers vs. 3 day transfers is there’s a 50% success rate with blast and only a 25% success rate with 3 day. Supposedly embryos don’t enter a woman’s uterus until they are blastocysts so blasts more easily implant. I sure hope that’s true. I want another baby so bad I can taste it.
Emotionally I’ve had better days. I’ve been worried sick all day about how many embryos we’ll lose overnight. I really want a good “crop” to choose from on Friday and I’d love to have some to freeze. Best case scenario, I have some to freeze, get pregnant, do a frozen blast transfer and get pregnant again. It sure would be great if I never had to do a fresh cycle again. It’s really rough having to take all of these drugs.
I had a dream last night that I had 5 blasts to choose from on the day of transfer. Here’s hoping that dream comes true! Wish me luck!
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March 1, 2000
(Cycle day 26)
I’ve had a REALLY bad day today both emotionally and physically. Dr. Riggall spoke to John this morning and we have 12 8-cell embryos (3 grade I and 9 grade II). I REALLY wanted to do the transfer today but couldn’t get ahold of anyone at his office (short work day). I’ve missed my chance. Now I have no choice but to do a 5 day blast transfer. I’m so upset with Dr. Riggall I could spit. I can’t believe he would deny me the right to transfer MY embryos on the day I want. I deserve the right to choose when MY babies are implanted back into MY uterus. Oh, I’m furious! I just pray that Dr. Riggall knows what he’s doing. I know he’s the one with all the degress on the wall but I’m scared to death that he’s risking my chance at getting pregnant just so I have a lower risk of multiples – that just doesn’t seem right to me!
Physically, I feel like I’ve got the worst period cramps ever with intermitant stabbing pains. We won’t even talk about the bloating. Let’s just say that my maternity clothes are feeling real comfy right now! 🙂
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March 2, 2000
(Cycle day 27)
My embryos are still hanging in there. 6 of them are progressing nicely and should be blasts tomorrow and the other 8 (yes 8) are lagging behind but may catch up tomorrow or Saturday. I’m still really angry at Dr. Riggall for not transferring on day 3 but at this point I have no choice but go forward. Transfer is 11:30 tomorrow so wish us luck!
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March 3, 2000
(Cycle day 28 – TRANSFER DAY)
If you thought I was angry at Dr. Riggall the last two days for not transferring on day 3 you can only imagine my anger level today. Only ONE of my embryos made it to blast, 3 made it to morula (blast wanna-bes) but one of them already showed signs of necrosis. We had several more that were 10 cells and less. We were left with the decision of whether to transfer tomorrow and hope that the 2 good morulas would turn into blasts or transfer today and just hope for the best. Since I wanted those precious embryos inside me two days ago I opted to transfer today. Research has proven that slower developing embryos do better in the uterus. So, we transfered the 1 blast and 2 morulas. I spent the rest of the day crying and feeling sorry for myself, knowing that this wasn’t going to work.
I think the worst part of the news today was how cold Dr. Riggall was. When I started crying and asked if we would have been better off doing a 3 day transfer he quite coldly replied “Hindsight is always 20/20” He later reluctantly admitted that if we could have foreseen this development (which I think I predicted a couple of days ago) that yes, we would have been better off transferring on day 3! I can’t believe this. This whole time Dr. Riggall has been fighting me because he didn’t want to transfer 3 but guess what – he transferred 3 anyway!
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March 4, 2000
(Cycle day 29 – 1 dpt)
I’m feeling a little better today although I’m still furious at Dr. Riggall for taking such chances with MY little embryos. I dug through the archives of the IVF board and I found 2 women who transferred 1 blast and 2 morulas and they both got pregnant. I really hope this works. I started this IVF adventure saying I only wanted another set of twins. Now that the cycle is drawing to an end all I pray for is a health baby. I could care less if it’s 1, 2 or 3 – I just want it/them to be healthy. I test on March 13th – wish us luck!
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March 5, 2000
(Cycle day 30 – 2 dpt)
I’m back to feeling very pessimistic that this cycle worked. John on the other hand is convinced that we’re having triplets. That wouldn’t normally scare me but he predicted that we were having twins last time even though the doctor and two ultrasounds said we were having one! He said he had a very vivid but short dream last night that Nathan was pointing at 3 things and counted “1 2 3”. He never saw what Nathan was counting but now he swears I’m having triplets. Funny, because I’ve dreamed that I was having triplets and Dad has dreamed that I called out to him saying “I’ve got to check on the girls”. Of course Dad’s dream doesn’t indicate three girls but it indicated more than one!
Of maybe some importance later (if I get pregnant and people wonder about my earliest of symptoms), my c-section scar started hurting pretty bad today – it’s only on the left side. Too weird! The blasts should have implanted today so here’s hoping “they” are hurting my c-section scar!!!!
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March 6, 2000
(Cycle day 31 – 3 dpt)
I was hoping that with yesterday’s pessimism that I would be more optimistic today – wrong! I just know deep in my heart that it didn’t work. Maybe it’s just my way of self preservation – you know in case it doesn’t work then I won’t be devastated. Truth is – I’ll be devastated no matter how much I “prepare” myself for the bad news. I really hope my pessimism is proven wrong!!!!!
I did something unbelievable today – I took a pregnancy test. I knew it wouldn’t show a positive pregnancy but I was curious if the HCG was out of my system – it was! Now if I take a pregnancy test and it shows positive I can be fairly certain that it’s accurate.
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March 8, 2000
(Cycle day 33 – 5 dpt)
Today is mine and John’s 4 year anniversary for meeting each other. In the hopes that I might be able to give him an incredible present I took another pregnancy test. I was sure that it was too early to show anything but still hopeful – negative. Oh well, maybe I’ll have better luck this weekend!
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March 10, 2000
(Cycle day 35 – 7 dpt)
I’m sure these symptoms don’t mean ANYTHING but since I’m a stickler for details I’ll write them down. If I get pregnant I’ll especially be interested in the “early symptoms”. For the last two nights I have been having horrible night sweats. I wake up several times a night drenched in sweat and the bed is soaking wet. I don’t know if this is a hormonal thing or what but it’s horrible. I’m also having trouble during the day with terrible hot flashes.
I’ve also been having dreams the last couple of nights that I was pregnant. Each dream is different – sometimes I dream about seeing the positive test, other times I’m telling people I’m pregnant. The only common factor is I’m pregnant in every dream.
Also, starting today, my nipples have been getting incredibly hard. Now this normally wouldn’t mean anything but every since I nursed the boys my nipples haven’t gotten hard. I also noticed tonight when I put in the progesterone capsule that my cervix was really, really hard. Now, I’m not saying any of these signs mean I’m pregnant, I’m only keeping details of what’s happening! Only Monday we’ll I know for sure if these were progesterone symptoms or pregnancy symptoms – let’s hope for the latter!
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March 13, 2000
(Cycle day 38 – 10dpt)
Pain….. unimaginable pain! I took another HPT this morning and it was negative. I knew in my heart that it was true. At 2:00 my doctor called meaning only one thing – bad news. He was very cold when he said the test was negative and then immediately asked if we wanted to cycle again ASAP. I told him we couldn’t afford to cycle right now when I really wanted to say “I wouldn’t cycle with you again if it were free”.
I honestly thought that a negative wouldn’t hurt that bad because I was already a mother – not true. The pure and simple fact is I want more children – the pain is the same. I’m going to look for another clinic and hopefully we can cycle again in April.
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March 17, 2000
(Cycle day 1)
I finally got my period today and boy is she mad! LOL I haven’t bled this much since I was post pardum!
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March 23, 2000
(Cycle day 7)
John met with Dr. Riggall today and he had the audacity to tell John that he would have gladly done a day 3 transfer if I had insisted. He said he was under the impression that I agreed to a day 5 transfer. What bull! I begged and begged and begged some more for a day 3 transfer and he refused stating that I was at too high of a risk for triplets. The story gets better – I requested a copy of my medical records and to my shock and dismay I found out that I originally had 17 fertilized eggs not 15 and on day 2 I had 19 fertilized eggs not 13! What is wrong with his people – can’t they count? Even worse, I found out that during my last IVF cycle I really had 4 embryos on day 3 and not just 3! Granted the 4th embryo was only 4 cells but that doesn’t matter it was mine and it was ALIVE! I can’t believe they discarded my precious little embryo without even telling me it was still alive!
I’m having a really hard time with the fact that they lied to me about my embryos. After reading a horrible anti-abortion site last night I’m starting to change my opinion of embryos and am starting to think that life begins when the egg is fertilized and it begins to divide. I can’t go so far as to say “well, I’ve been the mom of 23 babies” just because I’ve had 23 fertilized embryos but I do believe there is life there. How dare this doctor and his staff lie to me about how many I had! Weren’t they mine? Didn’t I have a right to decide their fate? I’m meeting with a new RE on Tuesday. I guess the first thing I’ll ask is “are you a liar?”